Small.

I had always been under the impression that I was living in the real world. Living under my father’s watchful eye, I landed my first job at fourteen. At the time I always thought my fathers parenting was strict – while other kids my age simply asked for money, I had to earn it.

Fast forward to post graduation and it feels like I’m experiencing the ‘real’ world for the first time.

For two years I lived within an academic bubble- everyone at Carolina was smart. Smart to the extent that none of us stood out. We were all smart and therefore we all felt incredibly stupid.

Though my 90 on a paper was deemed a success – the score of 95 and the anonymous girl it belonged to crushed me. It was a slap in face.

When I entered the world again and began my minimum job it quickly dawned on me that I had entered a whole new universe.

It hit me after my co-worker, who makes his dislike of me apparent, told me once again that my honesty is offensive. In my weak and useless defense, I rarely talk to him. We don’t have much in common and we don’t often work together.

However, within a few weeks of working there, I began to notice a gap that existed between myself and my co-workers. We all come from different backgrounds, which is something that should be appreciated, but I noticed that after my co-worker made a poor observation and I corrected him that I was ostracized. Gossip spreads like wildfire and I’m curious as to who they think I am…

Suddenly I felt this need to make myself small and insignificant – and more importantly, I felt this need to apologize for being smart/loud/honest. This isn’t a brag post – this is a post about apologizing for who you are.

When I was at the bar a few weeks ago, a group of strangers called me pretentious because I wanted to get my PhD in Renaissance Studies and at that moment I was overcome with this need to apologize again even though they didn’t even know me.

But that’s just it: there is no need to apologize for who you are. I worked so hard to accomplish what I have and there is no need for me to apologize for it. I am not ashamed of who I am and what I like.

Yet t I spent two months shrinking myself down in hopes that my co-workers would like me.

What did I get? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It didn’t change a thing and I felt even more insecure because I was constantly editing and rethinking what I was going to say.

I’m not even sure why I cared so much. Isn’t the point of being  yourself? Every nook and cranny of my (your) personality deserves to be loved, just as I am (you are). Right now. Not later. There’s no need to hide under false pretenses with the hopes that someone who does not even matter in the first place will approve of me (you).

This reminds me of a quote I really like: “Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.”

So I’ll leave you with this: shine bright like a diamond. xx

Twenty Two Things

Twenty-Two Things

In honor of my birthday, I have created a list of twenty two things I am thankful for (and in no particular order).

1. Right before I hang up the phone with my Ma, she always declares ‘I love you’ in the most sincere voice possible. It chokes me up every time.
2. For my father humoring me every time I picked up a new hobby.
3. For my parents teaching me that my voice is the most powerful instrument I will ever own and no one has the right to silence it.
4. For every novel I have ever read that has changed my outlook on life (or my life in general). Thank you Rowling, Salinger and Bradbury.
5. For being a Tar-Heel, and the thrill I receive each time I reread my journal entry that proclaims, “I WILL GET INTO CAROLINA!”
6. For my brother, who finds a way to always understand and support me.
7. For waking up each morning to a ‘Good Morning love’ text from my best friend.
8. For penguins and pandas. They always make me smile.
9. For Chicago and everything that comes with it (mm…pizza).
10. For mastering the art of surrounding myself with some of the greatest people on this planet.
11. For the weather at this exact moment. Cold, and cloudy — quintessentially fall.
12. For J – who has been by my side for ten years.
13. For K- who has introduced me to hockey and everything else that is good in this world.
14. For L- who has taught me to embrace every awkward moment and cherish it.
15. For SN – for loving me, no questions asked.
16. For SP – for challenging my views and telling me when I’m wrong (ha!)
17. For A- for showing me all the bits and pieces my life had (has)  been missing.
18. For the list above – they are the greatest people I have ever met. All credit goes to them.
19. For my grandma, who is the greatest and most influential person I have ever met. I strive to be half as great as you.
20. For having the ability to tell everyone I love that I love them as many times as I possibly desire.
21. For my father taking me around Europe and South America and for the moments I experienced.
22. And most importantly, for having this life and everything that is to follow. x